you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me.

Not the message I got tonight, but one that is quite close to it…

What a good night. I found the next step. And that’s not to sulk, it’s not to cry about what could be, it’s not to get over it and start over, but it’s to figure me out. And the only person that can figure me out is myself. And that’s going to be hard for me to do.

Why exactly have things played out the way that they have in the past month? What is God trying to teach me through this entire process? That I need to face my past? I’m sure. I know that by just letting it go I’m not doing anyone any favors. But what else? What’s the underlying message here? That’s what is so important… figuring that one message out. For if I can figure what God is telling me through the events of the last month, I can best determine what to do next.

But I already know what I can do immediately: I can pray for guidance, as always. But I can also, in the midst of all of this, be a man that continues to protect and to serve his friends, especially those closest to him. One obtains a loving, working relationship through a multitude of shared experiences, those of which both in the relationship ultimately rise up from to become better people in the end. Oh, tonight was proof that there is something good, something special going on between two people who are not ready for each other, in my estimation. It was proof that we are works in progress. If I could only be what I need to be for her all of the time… if I could figure out myself before I enter into something deeper… that is when this becomes something more.

 

rememberwhenitoldyouthewaythatifelt…thatidbelostwithoutyouandneverfindmyself? letsholdontoeachotherandfindourwayout…startover.

start over.

 

–jl–

oh, saturday, it’s been fun groovin’ with you.

Today helped. I saw, at the very least, a faint glimmer of hope for something more in what is already a solid relationship. At the most, well, I saw how well we complement each other and how much possibility their lies for something. I saw hope today for something that may be reciprocated, which is not anything new. The question of whether both of us are ready for anything, for each other, for more than what we are now is now lying in the hands of God.

Meanwhile, courage builds like a rolling Florida storm cloud in summer, but it’s still in the early stages. I’m still very fearful but I know that things will ultimately be as God wants them to be. And that, in time, will give me peace. But that part of the conglomerate mix of feeling, state of mind, and emotion has not entered itself into my gut yet, and that’s what deprives me from moving forward with where I am now.

Six months ago, I was told to take a step back by her.

Five months ago, I was told to re-evaluate by Him.

Four months ago, I was told to give the relationship up to Him.

Three months ago, I was still working on that.

Two months ago, I discovered how to give it up. And did so.

One month ago, a rush of emotion and love came back, of all the times, during a conflict.

And now, here I stand, working on what will become a defining moment in my life, knowing that God will take care of everything, so long as I follow His instructions. I just hope that I’m good and strong enough to do just that.

 

–jl–

an evening (morning?) of reflection.

It has been about 3 months since I had logged onto wordpress.com to update and manage my blog. That streak of not updating this page ended this evening. For tonight, in just checking up on this project that I so abandoned, I began looking back and seeing who I had been in the past 15 months of writing on this wall. I saw my past, saw what had plagued me, saw how I dealt with certain issues. And now, I’m not who I was then because of these decisions. I’ve (hopefully) become better, wiser, stronger because of it.

The reason why I came here this night was to seek for answers. I came looking for answers to questions about things that I had asked myself before and never ever got definitive answers at that time. To be honest, tonight wasn’t a breakthrough by any stretch– but it did provide me with more material which I can chew on, pray about, and learn from as a result. In reading certain posts I was able to see how events went down, and how I treated them as they went down.

It comes down to this– there is this woman (I hesitate to use the word ‘girl’ here, because she is so spiritually mature, yet I want to, because that’s what her faith and personality comes down to– something that is so childlike, and I mean that in a good way)… there is this  that rocks my world. And,  for the moment (in the best of scenarios), I can’t have her and call her mine. It’s a thought that’s crushing to the heart, to aspirations, personal or otherwise, to all of the matchmakers who have called this for so long. But I’m stuck in the position I’m in, because while I can’t be happy with her, whenever I drift towards anyone else, I can’t enter into something deeper with them, because I’m simply stuck on the other. The position I’m in (or that I’ve put myself into) is one that’s hurt some other friends of mine, to which I can only apologize and hope for the best. That certainly makes things binding. And difficult. And, at times, quite painful.

So I came here tonight looking for answers as to what I can do to get myself out of this hole. And, while I didn’t find anything immediately, I found something that has very nearly worked before. I found something that could get me out of the pickle I’m in and turn out to be very good, what I’ve been hoping and praying for. On the other side, however, it could mean the end of a friendship with which I don’t want to part. That something is, simply, courage.

For I am such a cowardly lion when it comes to things like this! I look back on blog posts past, around the time of opportunities I had, and I see that I was questioning, wondering what to do, what should I do, what direction should I choose, should I risk what I have now, will this work, will it ever work, why do I keep coming  back to where I was, is that a sign that I haven’t been doing things right and that God is giving me chances to redeem myself, is it a sign in the reverse direction that things are never meant to work because of my fear for the unkown, of not knowing how things will be, of not knowing if it will last, if a friendship will last, if or if not the fairytale ending is in store, if she loves me how I love her? I just question, overanalyze, and take too much time. And so I go again. I’ve done that now. For two weeks, I’ve known the task that faces me. And yet I am so fearful of it!

The courage simply eludes me. And I don’t know why it is that way. I’ve been able to stand up and deliver presentations before on any sort of topic. I’ve acted, I’ve sang, I’ve performed for years in front of tens of thousands of people. I stand up and stand out, keeping active, volunteering of myself as much as I can while maintaining the focus on what it is I do. I’m courageous, brave, bold in so many instances that require so much of me. And yet, when it comes to this one person, I just lose it all. I freeze and become completely a babbling fool as to what to do, what to say, how to approach every little thing. And I see that this holds consistent with times similar to these in the past; times where I’m trying to figure out which direction at the crossroads to take. Reminds me of the Robert Frost line– there are two roads diverged in a wood. Do I take the one I’ve often traveled and just move along, tying one more bead onto what has become the necklace of knotted regrets in this relationship? Or do I opt for the road less (or, in my case, never) traveled, take the risk, enjoy the adventure, and come up at the ultimate convergence stronger, wiser, better than before? I know that I need to confront this issue for once and for all. For I need to regain my sanity in the matter. Perhaps some simple and consistent God-time in the matter will help. Some consistent me-time in the matter will help. But I can’t wait too long… otherwise, time will force me down the road oft traveled.

I came here tonight to seek for answers to questions, questions that had been asked over and over again. I do not leave this place with anything definite in my hands, anything which I can cling to. But I leave here with a renewed sense of purpose in this matter, and a renewed (yet fearful) sense of hope. I just pray that I get it right this time.

 

–jl–

another year over, a new one just begun. (100)

So, 2009 has begun. Within the year, I’ll be halfway done with college. I’ll have four semesters remaining here at the University. I hope to be well on my way to figuring out exactly what it is I should be doing… not just in a career realm, but in a leadership realm, a relationship and friendship realm. I could be all over the map this year, from Florida to Texas to Connecticut (internships?) to Massachusetts to Minnesota to Wisconsin to Washington (grad school tour?) to California (road trip?), simply depending on what happens to me in the next 12 months. It should be quite an interesting and a fun-filled 2009.

So, all of this, yet, as I start this year, I look at problems from the end of 2008. I didn’t get a winter break… in the two weeks that would have been my break, I took care of the craziness that is the Christmas season (materialistically and non-materialistically), saw family upon family upon family, and, just when I think that things were to settle down, other problems come up that I must deal with. It’s not the small stuff that comes up either… it’s the big stuff that kept (keeps) me up late at night, wondering how to fix this, what to do about that, whether this idea would be best served in this place. It’s also the big stuff that I’m most passionate about, and the big stuff that gets me the most involved, through my faith, through my heart. I can only help that 2009 brings some solutions to 2008.

And so far, there has been hope. Nothing like putting everything on God’s shoulders… a friend of mine got me a copy of “The Imitation of Christ,” and, so far, a little bit of daily reflection on those words has helped with one of these large problems of mine. The biggest thing that I’m learning: learn to be humble, in taking things that you want to be in control of and giving them up. Letting God take control of the hard stuff in life will make things a whole lot easier for you. It may not be the solution that you want, but, in time, you can be confident that it’s the best one, as it’s God making the decisions. And what’s better than that?

So, as we enter into this new year, I’m hopeful that these large problems looming from last year can get solved. I know that things could get long, complicated, and messy, but all of that won’t be a problem if I can trust in God, knowing that things will get solved through Him.

May God bless your year in 2009… I hope that it’s better than the last.

–jl–

i can see a light that is coming.

The end of the semester is near. Thank goodness– it’s been a long and tough winding road, and I’ve learned a lot (more on that to come in another posting). Russian test Friday, SEC championship Saturday, choral Christmas concert Sunday, Abstract Algebra test Monday. Then I get about a week off, which should be nice… I’ll go home, see a couple of concerts (high school’s chorus and band, and Matt Maher in Orlando) then head back up to Gainesville on Monday for two finals on Wednesday and Thursday. Then I’m done! For almost 3 weeks!

Like I said above, it’s been a very tough semester… Lots of stress within my classes, continually trying to get my grades up. Lots of stress within some of the organizations in which I am involved, doing a lot more work than I expected. And lots of stress from relationships, friends, people. It’ll be so good to get home and get to relaxing for a couple of weeks. That’s the light of the end of the tunnel, though… until the 18th, there is so much to do.

The stakes are high. I know what I need to do. Time to get my hands dirty and dig in to the last push for the semester.

–jl–

a thanksgiving reflection.

As I lay here in bed, my last night at home for a couple of weeks, my last night of freedom from school and other large, looming things, I realize how thankful I am at this time of year. To me I think it’s awesome that my birthday and Thanksgiving often fall on the same weekend; I give thanksgiving to God and to others for all that each and every one of them have done for me. Some are in larger ways than others, but even the smallest act is to be praised, for we are to be thankful for everything. Yet, at the same time, I receive thanksgiving from God and others. Not just in the literal sense, in which Mom and Grandma cook for all of us… the reception of thanksgiving comes in the same act as giving thanks. For in thanksgiving for others, I am, at the same time, receiving thanks from them for my gift of myself, just as they have given themselves to me. So it is mutual, and we see each other, catch up with each other, talk, laugh, live, love, out of love, out of thanksgiving for what it is that we have.

This weekend served as a great model of this. I spent Thursday and Friday trekking across the state to see family, as a great-uncle of mine passed away last week. In going to see family for these two days, I saw a laundry list, out of many different emotions, of things in which we should be thankful. There was thanksgiving for the life of Uncle Larry, for all that he did for his family and friends and everyone who knew him, and the death of Uncle Larry, for all that Earthly suffering which has been relieved by our Lord. There was thanksgiving for simply being at the funeral, there to console and cheer each other in spite of a bad situation. And there was much thanksgiving for the gift of family. Whenever you get my mom’s side of the family together, much thanks will be given, as was seen by the relative lack of chairs available at lunch on Friday after the funeral. Saturday was spent mostly seeing friends who I hadn’t seen in a long time. There was thanksgiving there in seeing them, in spending time with them, in retaining the love and compassion that all of us had for each other in each of our individual relationships.

I receive thanks from many of you on my birthday: the simple call or Facebook wall post or blog comment is but a tiny gift of thanks from you, to me, that says that you care. And I give this thanks right back to you, in a “thank you for the thank you” sort of way, that says that I appreciate you taking the time to think of me this day, and that you can expect it in return fully when the time comes. To some, these tiny gifts are fleeting, and not of much worth. To others, these tiniest of gifts mean the world to people. And when you’re in a rut, down and out, or losing hope, something as simple as this can work wonders, can brighten a day, can give you that extra bounce in your step, can help you appreciate how much a simple act of kindness can mean.

So, in this weekend, I see what I’m thankful for: I’m thankful for the two decades of life I have pouring through my veins. I’m thankful for my compassion and my love and my outreach towards my friends, many of whom are close, or very close, to my heart. I’m thankful for all of the freedoms that I have by living and working in a place that gives me these freedoms. And I’m thankful for everything else, all of my gifts, my talents, the things that I bring to the table, which God has given me, which my parents have molded into me, which my friends and my peers and my mentors and teachers and loved ones have fine-tuned and shaped on me. In thanksgiving for everything that has been given, and everything that will be given, and all that I give in return, I can only say one thing: Thank you.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
--e.e. cummings

–jl–

thanksgiving brake.

From Tuesday to Sunday, to close out the month of November, I’m embarking on a whole bunch of driving. This is no roadtrip, like what I went on a couple of weeks ago… in fact, this is much different. It’s a whole bunch of driving in short segments, that will leave my Thanksgiving break relegated to two days at home instead of five. And that’s two only because I’m home right now, on this Tuesday night, skipping class Wednesday.

My itinerary for the week:

Tuesday night: Gainesville to Melbourne. I wanted to get out of Gainesville before Wednesday afternoon, because I knew that if I waited until Wednesday afternoon, I wouldn’t get to Melbourne until Thanksgiving. Except for a lane closure and a traffic accident blocking all lanes on 95, the drive down wasn’t too bad.

Thursday: Melbourne to Orlando. Spend Thanksgiving Day with my grandparents and semi-immediate family in Orlando. Another hour of driving… but that won’t be too bad.

Friday: Orlando to Clearwater to Melbourne. Attend my great-uncle’s funeral at 11 in the morning in Clearwater, which means get up early and drive the two hours over to Tampa. Spend the afternoon with my entire mom’s side of the family over in Clearwater. Maybe, possibly, get to see some friends in Tampa before we leave for Melbourne.

Saturday: UF-FSU. Football football football. Enough said.

Sunday: Melbourne to Gainesville. Drive back on my birthday, amidst a whole bunch of traffic. I’ll be taking the back route that goes through the Ocala National Forest and Palatka so I can avoid Orlando, the airport, and a 5-hour drive.

It doesn’t sound like much, but the important thing here is the lack of downtime. I’m going to need some downtime. With the two weeks after Thanksgiving setting up to be a scholastic nightmare, much like what I’ve already dealt with, I need as much downtime now as I can get before the stress resets in. Driving 13 hours in 5 days is not exactly what I need, but it’s what I’m going to get.

–jl–

spinning…! in circles.

Switchfoot: Circles

 

Another day / Another sunrise / Another factory call

Another night / Another sunset / Another freefall

 

Am I alive? / Am I on purpose?

Within the weakness / Within the weakness…

 

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

 

The stresses of life are causing me to look inward, find nothing, look outward, find nothing, look upward, and find the only One to cling to. Within the weakness there is strength, and within despair, hope. Sometimes, though, it can be hard to find such things.

 

Another day / Another lifetime / Another engine stalls

Another line / Another freeway / Another freefall

 

Am I alive? / Am I on purpose?

Within the weakness / Within the weakness…

 

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

  

School has been time-consuming. Friends have been frustrating. And, it seems, the closer they are, the more frustrating they appear to be. I hope and pray for these people with whom I’m so close, that we can see what’s wrong and fix the problem, and keep something sturdy from spinning out with the rest of our lives.

 

I’ve lost all that I wanted to leave

I’ve lost all that I wanted to be

Don’t believe that there’s nothing that’s true

Don’t believe in this modern machine!

The modern machine…

 

I’ve lost, for now, what was a very close relationship. I’ve lost a compassionate friend to a colder, less caring one. I don’t believe that this one, the closest of these is over. I don’t believe that the one non-Godly person that knows me best is done with me. I don’t believe that she’s just going to leave me for broken, for dead, for the state that I’m in now because the relationship isn’t working right now. I don’t believe in an end to this friendship, and the modern machine of the world, the modern machine of the inner workings of the brain, the modern machine that tells me that things aren’t OK, that you need to be the man and face her and your problems, that you need to stand up and confront it now, that I’m not allright, but I’m broken inside, broken inside. I have faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these can get me through almost anything, certainly this problem.

 

In circles…

 

–jl–

roadtrip! music city edition.

Perhaps some of you have already seen pictures up on Facebook. For those of you that didn’t know or didn’t see pictures, I decided to take a roadtrip this past weekend to Nashville. It was kind of on a whim… I mean, I thought about going back in August, but the thought slipped from my mind… too many things going on here. But the weekend before last, my cousin brought up the idea, which got the wheels spinning, so to speak. I looked for tickets and got a pair on Thursday, but by this point my cousin was out. A buddy of mine from elementary school though was in. And so we left on Friday afternoon from Gainesville for Nashville, stopping in Atlanta for the night on Friday.

Along the way, and while in Tennessee, we learned a few things:

1. Don’t stop in Macon. There’s nothing there.

Friday night, we’re looking for a place to eat and we decide to go into Macon to find something. Bad idea. Besides a couple of fast food places, there was nothing open. Or around, for that matter. We tried the Mercer University area, thinking there would be something, anything, there. Nothing. Apparently, Macon shuts down at about 9:00 on Friday night, not too dissimilar from a hometown that my friend and I share…

2. Sweet tea is a drug. Try it for yourself.

I swear to you, it tastes better the farther into the Deep South you go. In Atlanta on Saturday morning, it was phenomenal. Granted it was just Chick-Fil-A tea but it was still good. In Nashville for lunch we went to a barbecue shack there. The pulled pork sandwiches were finger-lickin’ good, the cornbread was just right, but the sweet tea there made the meal. If I end up moving to the Northeast, sweet tea is definitely something that I would miss from the South. I’ve become attached and addicted… much like Starbucks.

3. Gas in Florida is expensive. I don’t know what it is…

Price in Valdosta, GA: $1.999/gallon. Price in Madison, FL: $2.299/gallon. Distance between the two cities: 8 miles. In South Georgia it was like this from Macon south. In Tennessee it got cheaper… I saw a sign for BP for $1.939/gallon on Sunday. Is there some sort of extra tax that Florida has on their gasoline? I wouldn’t be surprised.

4. Nashville deserves to be called Music City. You’ve got to visit it to believe it.

We walked on Saturday afternoon down the main drag in downtown. We passed churches, museums, buildings. Then it started: at 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon, from every bar in downtown Nashville: live country music. And you can’t count the bars downtown. It was unbelievable: you could go down the street and hear 8 different songs coming out of 4 different establishments and the people playing on the street. Add on the Grand Ole Opry, the Ryman Auditorium, Hard Rock, the Barbershop Harmony Society headquarters, and you’ve got yourself one musical city: one that deserves to be called, at the very least, the country music capital of the world.

5. Vanderbilt and its fall color are astounding. If I based my college decision on looks alone…

Vandy would have been up there on the list. In addition to being a quality school, the campus is beautiful. It’s quaint and smart-looking, but not intimidating. And if you go there during the fall, bring your camera. The color of the trees ranges from a healthy green to a you-know-winter-is-coming burgundy. There are plenty of pictures, check up on Facebook for some of them.

Would I go back to Nashville again? Absolutely. Even if the Gators aren’t playing Vanderbilt, it’s definitely worth some time. What’s the next roadtrip? Perhaps Miami in january. Perhaps Fort Myers in March. Or, perhaps, something much larger… a tour of graduate schools that could stretch across the country over the summer? We shall see.

–jl–

the sound of silence isn’t so sweet sometimes.

Four weeks is way too long between blog posts. When it comes to something that you’re used to doing once every two to three days, four weeks is an eternity.

Sorry I haven’t been around to post my life to you people. Sorry I haven’t been able to tell you about how not one, but two important people in my life left me frustrated, shocked, disheartened, saddened. Sorry I haven’t been able to tell you how I’ve come to terms with both people and am, hopefully, on a right track with both of them once again. Sorry I haven’t been able to tell you about how classes are going for me, how one class is really getting to me, how the other two have been fairly easy. Sorry I haven’t been able to tell you about the start of my formal marathon training, how I’m running longer distances with each passing week to run the 26.2 in February here in Gainesville.

Sorry I haven’t been around to tell you about the wonderful musical things that I’ve been doing in the past 4 weeks. I apologize for not blogging from Barbershop Convention in Jacksonville, where my quartet took home 8th place in the state. I haven’t spilled my feelings on my last time singing on the Contest stage with Duane, my tenor, my director, and my friend. I further apologize for not blogging about the amazing University Choir concert coming up in 2 days (October 30, 7:30pm, University Auditorium. Be there!) or the CSF Music Team practices that have gone down or the retreats that I’ve done or anything.

I haven’t blogged to you anything in the last 4 weeks about my beloved Red Sox or my beloved Gators. I never said anything about how my favorite baseball team played so well against the Angels, so poorly against the Rays, and so unbelievably in that Game 5 miracle. Sorry I haven’t been able to tell you about how my school’s football team has come back from an excruciatingly painful loss and played so much better than billed against LSU and Kentucky. Sorry I haven’t told you about the softball team making the playoffs and winning our first round playoff game to make the round of 16 next week.

I promise you it won’t be 4 weeks until the next posting on this blog. But, knowing my schedule, knowing I need 28 hours in a day as opposed to 24, I can bet that it won’t be 2 or 3 days before the next post either.

–jl–