you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me.

Not the message I got tonight, but one that is quite close to it…

What a good night. I found the next step. And that’s not to sulk, it’s not to cry about what could be, it’s not to get over it and start over, but it’s to figure me out. And the only person that can figure me out is myself. And that’s going to be hard for me to do.

Why exactly have things played out the way that they have in the past month? What is God trying to teach me through this entire process? That I need to face my past? I’m sure. I know that by just letting it go I’m not doing anyone any favors. But what else? What’s the underlying message here? That’s what is so important… figuring that one message out. For if I can figure what God is telling me through the events of the last month, I can best determine what to do next.

But I already know what I can do immediately: I can pray for guidance, as always. But I can also, in the midst of all of this, be a man that continues to protect and to serve his friends, especially those closest to him. One obtains a loving, working relationship through a multitude of shared experiences, those of which both in the relationship ultimately rise up from to become better people in the end. Oh, tonight was proof that there is something good, something special going on between two people who are not ready for each other, in my estimation. It was proof that we are works in progress. If I could only be what I need to be for her all of the time… if I could figure out myself before I enter into something deeper… that is when this becomes something more.

 

rememberwhenitoldyouthewaythatifelt…thatidbelostwithoutyouandneverfindmyself? letsholdontoeachotherandfindourwayout…startover.

start over.

 

–jl–

oh, saturday, it’s been fun groovin’ with you.

Today helped. I saw, at the very least, a faint glimmer of hope for something more in what is already a solid relationship. At the most, well, I saw how well we complement each other and how much possibility their lies for something. I saw hope today for something that may be reciprocated, which is not anything new. The question of whether both of us are ready for anything, for each other, for more than what we are now is now lying in the hands of God.

Meanwhile, courage builds like a rolling Florida storm cloud in summer, but it’s still in the early stages. I’m still very fearful but I know that things will ultimately be as God wants them to be. And that, in time, will give me peace. But that part of the conglomerate mix of feeling, state of mind, and emotion has not entered itself into my gut yet, and that’s what deprives me from moving forward with where I am now.

Six months ago, I was told to take a step back by her.

Five months ago, I was told to re-evaluate by Him.

Four months ago, I was told to give the relationship up to Him.

Three months ago, I was still working on that.

Two months ago, I discovered how to give it up. And did so.

One month ago, a rush of emotion and love came back, of all the times, during a conflict.

And now, here I stand, working on what will become a defining moment in my life, knowing that God will take care of everything, so long as I follow His instructions. I just hope that I’m good and strong enough to do just that.

 

–jl–

an evening (morning?) of reflection.

It has been about 3 months since I had logged onto wordpress.com to update and manage my blog. That streak of not updating this page ended this evening. For tonight, in just checking up on this project that I so abandoned, I began looking back and seeing who I had been in the past 15 months of writing on this wall. I saw my past, saw what had plagued me, saw how I dealt with certain issues. And now, I’m not who I was then because of these decisions. I’ve (hopefully) become better, wiser, stronger because of it.

The reason why I came here this night was to seek for answers. I came looking for answers to questions about things that I had asked myself before and never ever got definitive answers at that time. To be honest, tonight wasn’t a breakthrough by any stretch– but it did provide me with more material which I can chew on, pray about, and learn from as a result. In reading certain posts I was able to see how events went down, and how I treated them as they went down.

It comes down to this– there is this woman (I hesitate to use the word ‘girl’ here, because she is so spiritually mature, yet I want to, because that’s what her faith and personality comes down to– something that is so childlike, and I mean that in a good way)… there is this  that rocks my world. And,  for the moment (in the best of scenarios), I can’t have her and call her mine. It’s a thought that’s crushing to the heart, to aspirations, personal or otherwise, to all of the matchmakers who have called this for so long. But I’m stuck in the position I’m in, because while I can’t be happy with her, whenever I drift towards anyone else, I can’t enter into something deeper with them, because I’m simply stuck on the other. The position I’m in (or that I’ve put myself into) is one that’s hurt some other friends of mine, to which I can only apologize and hope for the best. That certainly makes things binding. And difficult. And, at times, quite painful.

So I came here tonight looking for answers as to what I can do to get myself out of this hole. And, while I didn’t find anything immediately, I found something that has very nearly worked before. I found something that could get me out of the pickle I’m in and turn out to be very good, what I’ve been hoping and praying for. On the other side, however, it could mean the end of a friendship with which I don’t want to part. That something is, simply, courage.

For I am such a cowardly lion when it comes to things like this! I look back on blog posts past, around the time of opportunities I had, and I see that I was questioning, wondering what to do, what should I do, what direction should I choose, should I risk what I have now, will this work, will it ever work, why do I keep coming  back to where I was, is that a sign that I haven’t been doing things right and that God is giving me chances to redeem myself, is it a sign in the reverse direction that things are never meant to work because of my fear for the unkown, of not knowing how things will be, of not knowing if it will last, if a friendship will last, if or if not the fairytale ending is in store, if she loves me how I love her? I just question, overanalyze, and take too much time. And so I go again. I’ve done that now. For two weeks, I’ve known the task that faces me. And yet I am so fearful of it!

The courage simply eludes me. And I don’t know why it is that way. I’ve been able to stand up and deliver presentations before on any sort of topic. I’ve acted, I’ve sang, I’ve performed for years in front of tens of thousands of people. I stand up and stand out, keeping active, volunteering of myself as much as I can while maintaining the focus on what it is I do. I’m courageous, brave, bold in so many instances that require so much of me. And yet, when it comes to this one person, I just lose it all. I freeze and become completely a babbling fool as to what to do, what to say, how to approach every little thing. And I see that this holds consistent with times similar to these in the past; times where I’m trying to figure out which direction at the crossroads to take. Reminds me of the Robert Frost line– there are two roads diverged in a wood. Do I take the one I’ve often traveled and just move along, tying one more bead onto what has become the necklace of knotted regrets in this relationship? Or do I opt for the road less (or, in my case, never) traveled, take the risk, enjoy the adventure, and come up at the ultimate convergence stronger, wiser, better than before? I know that I need to confront this issue for once and for all. For I need to regain my sanity in the matter. Perhaps some simple and consistent God-time in the matter will help. Some consistent me-time in the matter will help. But I can’t wait too long… otherwise, time will force me down the road oft traveled.

I came here tonight to seek for answers to questions, questions that had been asked over and over again. I do not leave this place with anything definite in my hands, anything which I can cling to. But I leave here with a renewed sense of purpose in this matter, and a renewed (yet fearful) sense of hope. I just pray that I get it right this time.

 

–jl–