a thanksgiving reflection.

As I lay here in bed, my last night at home for a couple of weeks, my last night of freedom from school and other large, looming things, I realize how thankful I am at this time of year. To me I think it’s awesome that my birthday and Thanksgiving often fall on the same weekend; I give thanksgiving to God and to others for all that each and every one of them have done for me. Some are in larger ways than others, but even the smallest act is to be praised, for we are to be thankful for everything. Yet, at the same time, I receive thanksgiving from God and others. Not just in the literal sense, in which Mom and Grandma cook for all of us… the reception of thanksgiving comes in the same act as giving thanks. For in thanksgiving for others, I am, at the same time, receiving thanks from them for my gift of myself, just as they have given themselves to me. So it is mutual, and we see each other, catch up with each other, talk, laugh, live, love, out of love, out of thanksgiving for what it is that we have.

This weekend served as a great model of this. I spent Thursday and Friday trekking across the state to see family, as a great-uncle of mine passed away last week. In going to see family for these two days, I saw a laundry list, out of many different emotions, of things in which we should be thankful. There was thanksgiving for the life of Uncle Larry, for all that he did for his family and friends and everyone who knew him, and the death of Uncle Larry, for all that Earthly suffering which has been relieved by our Lord. There was thanksgiving for simply being at the funeral, there to console and cheer each other in spite of a bad situation. And there was much thanksgiving for the gift of family. Whenever you get my mom’s side of the family together, much thanks will be given, as was seen by the relative lack of chairs available at lunch on Friday after the funeral. Saturday was spent mostly seeing friends who I hadn’t seen in a long time. There was thanksgiving there in seeing them, in spending time with them, in retaining the love and compassion that all of us had for each other in each of our individual relationships.

I receive thanks from many of you on my birthday: the simple call or Facebook wall post or blog comment is but a tiny gift of thanks from you, to me, that says that you care. And I give this thanks right back to you, in a “thank you for the thank you” sort of way, that says that I appreciate you taking the time to think of me this day, and that you can expect it in return fully when the time comes. To some, these tiny gifts are fleeting, and not of much worth. To others, these tiniest of gifts mean the world to people. And when you’re in a rut, down and out, or losing hope, something as simple as this can work wonders, can brighten a day, can give you that extra bounce in your step, can help you appreciate how much a simple act of kindness can mean.

So, in this weekend, I see what I’m thankful for: I’m thankful for the two decades of life I have pouring through my veins. I’m thankful for my compassion and my love and my outreach towards my friends, many of whom are close, or very close, to my heart. I’m thankful for all of the freedoms that I have by living and working in a place that gives me these freedoms. And I’m thankful for everything else, all of my gifts, my talents, the things that I bring to the table, which God has given me, which my parents have molded into me, which my friends and my peers and my mentors and teachers and loved ones have fine-tuned and shaped on me. In thanksgiving for everything that has been given, and everything that will be given, and all that I give in return, I can only say one thing: Thank you.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
--e.e. cummings

–jl–

thanksgiving brake.

From Tuesday to Sunday, to close out the month of November, I’m embarking on a whole bunch of driving. This is no roadtrip, like what I went on a couple of weeks ago… in fact, this is much different. It’s a whole bunch of driving in short segments, that will leave my Thanksgiving break relegated to two days at home instead of five. And that’s two only because I’m home right now, on this Tuesday night, skipping class Wednesday.

My itinerary for the week:

Tuesday night: Gainesville to Melbourne. I wanted to get out of Gainesville before Wednesday afternoon, because I knew that if I waited until Wednesday afternoon, I wouldn’t get to Melbourne until Thanksgiving. Except for a lane closure and a traffic accident blocking all lanes on 95, the drive down wasn’t too bad.

Thursday: Melbourne to Orlando. Spend Thanksgiving Day with my grandparents and semi-immediate family in Orlando. Another hour of driving… but that won’t be too bad.

Friday: Orlando to Clearwater to Melbourne. Attend my great-uncle’s funeral at 11 in the morning in Clearwater, which means get up early and drive the two hours over to Tampa. Spend the afternoon with my entire mom’s side of the family over in Clearwater. Maybe, possibly, get to see some friends in Tampa before we leave for Melbourne.

Saturday: UF-FSU. Football football football. Enough said.

Sunday: Melbourne to Gainesville. Drive back on my birthday, amidst a whole bunch of traffic. I’ll be taking the back route that goes through the Ocala National Forest and Palatka so I can avoid Orlando, the airport, and a 5-hour drive.

It doesn’t sound like much, but the important thing here is the lack of downtime. I’m going to need some downtime. With the two weeks after Thanksgiving setting up to be a scholastic nightmare, much like what I’ve already dealt with, I need as much downtime now as I can get before the stress resets in. Driving 13 hours in 5 days is not exactly what I need, but it’s what I’m going to get.

–jl–

the fray’s found the words. again.

For some reason, songs by The Fray always seem to convey my emotional state just right, and at just the right time. This has happened ever since I got their CD all the way back in 2005… before everyone and their mother became fans of the piano-rock band. Over the last 3 years the CD is getting worn, the iTunes play counts on How to Save a Life, Look After You, Vienna, Hundred, and She Is are way up, and my love for the band that sounds the same but gets the lyrics right has gone up and steadied.

When the popularity faded I got their old EP, and Unsaid conveyed my emotional state later in the summer of ‘08. Now I hear the new single and prepare for the release of their self-titled album in February, and I can’t help but think that this 2nd album is going to be much like their first for me, in that the lyrics will get me hooked on to The Fray once again. There are some minute changes in the band’s sound (they sound a bit more mature then they did in 2005… perhaps this is from being together, or being through things together) but the same recognizable voice of Isaac Slade remains. I digress: the new single, “You Found Me,” was played live for the first time today at the AMA’s. I heard it later that night sitting in my dorm, knowing it would already be up on Youtube. I heard the song, liked it. Then I saw the lyrics after doing a search.

 

The Fray – You Found Me Lyrics
I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking His last cigarette
I Said where you been, He said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

 

Again, Isaac, Dave, Ben, and Joe can hit exactly how I feel, especially when it comes to relationships. This one hits home, especially in the last few weeks with what’s been going on. That’s definitely me, lost and insecure. And I’m in the process of finding the answers. It’s going to take quite a few visits to and cigarettes at the corner of First and Amistad to get to where I need to go. Do I turn the corner, embark down a new street? Do I continue walking, looking for something, and hoping that I can finally catch up to the people I pursue? Or do I just wait at First and Amistad, wait for someone else to come towards two of us, smoking our cigarettes, waiting by the telephone, waiting for messages, waiting for years, waiting, waiting, waiting?

–jl–

spinning…! in circles.

Switchfoot: Circles

 

Another day / Another sunrise / Another factory call

Another night / Another sunset / Another freefall

 

Am I alive? / Am I on purpose?

Within the weakness / Within the weakness…

 

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

 

The stresses of life are causing me to look inward, find nothing, look outward, find nothing, look upward, and find the only One to cling to. Within the weakness there is strength, and within despair, hope. Sometimes, though, it can be hard to find such things.

 

Another day / Another lifetime / Another engine stalls

Another line / Another freeway / Another freefall

 

Am I alive? / Am I on purpose?

Within the weakness / Within the weakness…

 

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

Spinning out in circles / In circles, in circles

  

School has been time-consuming. Friends have been frustrating. And, it seems, the closer they are, the more frustrating they appear to be. I hope and pray for these people with whom I’m so close, that we can see what’s wrong and fix the problem, and keep something sturdy from spinning out with the rest of our lives.

 

I’ve lost all that I wanted to leave

I’ve lost all that I wanted to be

Don’t believe that there’s nothing that’s true

Don’t believe in this modern machine!

The modern machine…

 

I’ve lost, for now, what was a very close relationship. I’ve lost a compassionate friend to a colder, less caring one. I don’t believe that this one, the closest of these is over. I don’t believe that the one non-Godly person that knows me best is done with me. I don’t believe that she’s just going to leave me for broken, for dead, for the state that I’m in now because the relationship isn’t working right now. I don’t believe in an end to this friendship, and the modern machine of the world, the modern machine of the inner workings of the brain, the modern machine that tells me that things aren’t OK, that you need to be the man and face her and your problems, that you need to stand up and confront it now, that I’m not allright, but I’m broken inside, broken inside. I have faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these can get me through almost anything, certainly this problem.

 

In circles…

 

–jl–

roadtrip! music city edition.

Perhaps some of you have already seen pictures up on Facebook. For those of you that didn’t know or didn’t see pictures, I decided to take a roadtrip this past weekend to Nashville. It was kind of on a whim… I mean, I thought about going back in August, but the thought slipped from my mind… too many things going on here. But the weekend before last, my cousin brought up the idea, which got the wheels spinning, so to speak. I looked for tickets and got a pair on Thursday, but by this point my cousin was out. A buddy of mine from elementary school though was in. And so we left on Friday afternoon from Gainesville for Nashville, stopping in Atlanta for the night on Friday.

Along the way, and while in Tennessee, we learned a few things:

1. Don’t stop in Macon. There’s nothing there.

Friday night, we’re looking for a place to eat and we decide to go into Macon to find something. Bad idea. Besides a couple of fast food places, there was nothing open. Or around, for that matter. We tried the Mercer University area, thinking there would be something, anything, there. Nothing. Apparently, Macon shuts down at about 9:00 on Friday night, not too dissimilar from a hometown that my friend and I share…

2. Sweet tea is a drug. Try it for yourself.

I swear to you, it tastes better the farther into the Deep South you go. In Atlanta on Saturday morning, it was phenomenal. Granted it was just Chick-Fil-A tea but it was still good. In Nashville for lunch we went to a barbecue shack there. The pulled pork sandwiches were finger-lickin’ good, the cornbread was just right, but the sweet tea there made the meal. If I end up moving to the Northeast, sweet tea is definitely something that I would miss from the South. I’ve become attached and addicted… much like Starbucks.

3. Gas in Florida is expensive. I don’t know what it is…

Price in Valdosta, GA: $1.999/gallon. Price in Madison, FL: $2.299/gallon. Distance between the two cities: 8 miles. In South Georgia it was like this from Macon south. In Tennessee it got cheaper… I saw a sign for BP for $1.939/gallon on Sunday. Is there some sort of extra tax that Florida has on their gasoline? I wouldn’t be surprised.

4. Nashville deserves to be called Music City. You’ve got to visit it to believe it.

We walked on Saturday afternoon down the main drag in downtown. We passed churches, museums, buildings. Then it started: at 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon, from every bar in downtown Nashville: live country music. And you can’t count the bars downtown. It was unbelievable: you could go down the street and hear 8 different songs coming out of 4 different establishments and the people playing on the street. Add on the Grand Ole Opry, the Ryman Auditorium, Hard Rock, the Barbershop Harmony Society headquarters, and you’ve got yourself one musical city: one that deserves to be called, at the very least, the country music capital of the world.

5. Vanderbilt and its fall color are astounding. If I based my college decision on looks alone…

Vandy would have been up there on the list. In addition to being a quality school, the campus is beautiful. It’s quaint and smart-looking, but not intimidating. And if you go there during the fall, bring your camera. The color of the trees ranges from a healthy green to a you-know-winter-is-coming burgundy. There are plenty of pictures, check up on Facebook for some of them.

Would I go back to Nashville again? Absolutely. Even if the Gators aren’t playing Vanderbilt, it’s definitely worth some time. What’s the next roadtrip? Perhaps Miami in january. Perhaps Fort Myers in March. Or, perhaps, something much larger… a tour of graduate schools that could stretch across the country over the summer? We shall see.

–jl–